CHILDRENS' NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP

WHILE VIRTUALLY ALL INFANTS LEARN TO BOND WITH A TRUSTED LOVE ONE, THEY DIFFER STRIKINGLY IN HOW THEY PREFER THAT BONDING TO BE. THOSE HIGH ON "NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP' HAVE A HARD TIME WITH SEPARATION; EVEN BEING LEFT ALONE IN THEIR CRIB FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. LATER, THEY FIND IT DIFFICULT, EMOTIONALLY PAINFUL, TO LEAVE HOME FOR NURSERY SCHOOL OR KINDERGARTEN. THE NEWER FOCUS IN PSYCHOLOGY IS NOT TO GIVE 'TRAITS' A BAD NAME, LIKE THE ONE HERE, HAVING BEEN CALLED 'SEPARATION ANXIETY'. RATHER, IT IS UNDERSTOOD THAT ALL CHILDREN DIFFER TEMPERAMENTALLY IN THEIR NEED FOR CLOSENESS, A TRAIT INBORN AND EVIDENCED AT BIRTH - TO STAY FOR ALL THEIR LIVES. PARENTING HAS LITTLE INFLUENCE ON IT. IT IS LIKE THE COLOR OF OUR EYES, OUR HAIR. IT IS JUST THERE. THE ONES WHO NEED CLOSENESS, WILL NEED IT AND MAKE THAT CONNECTION. OTHERS, NOT WITH THIS TRAIT, MAKE CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS AND ARE PERFECTLY SATISFIED; NO NEED FOR 'BOSOM FRIENDS'. GENERALLY, IN THE U.S., GIRLS ARE MORE LIKELY THAN BOYS TO VERBALIZE THEIR COMPANIONSHIP NEEDS. BUT, FROM MY PROFESSIONAL - AND PERSONAL- EXPERIENCE, THE TRAIT CAN BE STRONG OR WEAK IN EITHER GENDER. WHAT DOES A PARENT DO? A PARENT DOES WHAT MOST OF US DO; BE ATTENTIVE, SENSITIVE TO THE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR CHILDREN. EACH IS LIKE AN INDIVUAL FLOWER IN YOUR GARDEN; SOME NEED MORE SUNSHINE, SOME LESS, MORE WATER, OR LESS. THAT IS THE BEST WE CAN DO AND THE BEST IS ALL YOUR CHILD- CHILDREN NEED. AND YOU ARE THERE, FOR THEM, TO WATCH IT BLOOM.

MARCELLA BAKUR WEINER, Ph.D-CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST