I MISS YOU

I MISS YOU

What do we mean when we say "I miss you?" Words said in any romantic book, movie or reported exchange between two people are usually of the "I love you" variety. Good. Yet, "I miss you" is different. It denotes,for one, that you have "taken in" the person, that they, almost quite literally, live inside of you- are a very neessary part of you and that, without them, you are not whole. I have seen young children, in the street, with a nanny, who, from all I can observe, seems very adequate. The child falls, the caretaker picks her/him up - but the child - cries out: "No. I want my mommy." The substitute is not a replacement for the image we hold within, deeply ensconsed in our soul and, very much quite irreplaceable. A person with the beginnings of AZ (Alzheimer's) whose major symptom is short-term memory loss calls me. She says "I miss you." I know that we have spoken on the phone just a day or two ago- but her "photo-album-image" of me in her brain has faded, and the longings intensified. Always a "feeling" person who related with her heart, she misses what she can no longer latch on to- and it is a loss - a pain to her very being. Romeo and Juliet- Cleopatra and Mark Antony- lovers today and yesterday- we say "I love you" but that is a generalization. We love the paintings in our home, we love the furishings, we love - whatever we own that we chose with care- but do we really miss them when not with them? My husband was ill for a couple of days- minor- a stomach upset and so, he was "not himself"- spent more time in bed than usual- or in the bathroom- also unusual. A bit better,suddenly, he was behind me as I was washing carrots at the sink,preparing dinner. Lifting my hair off the back of my neck, his arms around my waist, he kissed the nape of my neck, gently whispering: "I miss you." Spinning around, i returned this blessing and kissing him, said, "I miss you too." How often do we say this to a loved one?
That is directly related to how much you have "internalzed" them - to begin with. A longing can only take place if its image lies within you. You are the carrier. And, when and if you do, tell him/her that you long for them . You'll be amazed at the payoff. And, ageless, it's lifetime in nature. A soul meeting a soul is a forever thing.
Marcella Bakur Weiner, Ph.d.
Clinical Psychologist/author

CHILDRENS' NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP

WHILE VIRTUALLY ALL INFANTS LEARN TO BOND WITH A TRUSTED LOVE ONE, THEY DIFFER STRIKINGLY IN HOW THEY PREFER THAT BONDING TO BE. THOSE HIGH ON "NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP' HAVE A HARD TIME WITH SEPARATION; EVEN BEING LEFT ALONE IN THEIR CRIB FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. LATER, THEY FIND IT DIFFICULT, EMOTIONALLY PAINFUL, TO LEAVE HOME FOR NURSERY SCHOOL OR KINDERGARTEN. THE NEWER FOCUS IN PSYCHOLOGY IS NOT TO GIVE 'TRAITS' A BAD NAME, LIKE THE ONE HERE, HAVING BEEN CALLED 'SEPARATION ANXIETY'. RATHER, IT IS UNDERSTOOD THAT ALL CHILDREN DIFFER TEMPERAMENTALLY IN THEIR NEED FOR CLOSENESS, A TRAIT INBORN AND EVIDENCED AT BIRTH - TO STAY FOR ALL THEIR LIVES. PARENTING HAS LITTLE INFLUENCE ON IT. IT IS LIKE THE COLOR OF OUR EYES, OUR HAIR. IT IS JUST THERE. THE ONES WHO NEED CLOSENESS, WILL NEED IT AND MAKE THAT CONNECTION. OTHERS, NOT WITH THIS TRAIT, MAKE CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS AND ARE PERFECTLY SATISFIED; NO NEED FOR 'BOSOM FRIENDS'. GENERALLY, IN THE U.S., GIRLS ARE MORE LIKELY THAN BOYS TO VERBALIZE THEIR COMPANIONSHIP NEEDS. BUT, FROM MY PROFESSIONAL - AND PERSONAL- EXPERIENCE, THE TRAIT CAN BE STRONG OR WEAK IN EITHER GENDER. WHAT DOES A PARENT DO? A PARENT DOES WHAT MOST OF US DO; BE ATTENTIVE, SENSITIVE TO THE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR CHILDREN. EACH IS LIKE AN INDIVUAL FLOWER IN YOUR GARDEN; SOME NEED MORE SUNSHINE, SOME LESS, MORE WATER, OR LESS. THAT IS THE BEST WE CAN DO AND THE BEST IS ALL YOUR CHILD- CHILDREN NEED. AND YOU ARE THERE, FOR THEM, TO WATCH IT BLOOM.

MARCELLA BAKUR WEINER, Ph.D-CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

LOVE AS GIVING- GIVING AS LOVE

LOVE AS GIVING - GIVING AS LOVE

LOVE HAS BEEN A FOCUS OF HUMAN ATTENTION MORE THAN ANY OTHER EMOTION.A FAVORITE TOPIC FOR NOVELISTS, POETS, PHILSOPHERS AND CLERICS, WE ARE ALL EAGER FOR THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING LOVED. BUT, SOMETIMES, WE SEPARATE IT FROM BEING LOVING, GIVING TO SOMEONE ELSE. YET, IT IS ONLY WITHIN THIS ONE EMOTION, OUT OF THE FIVE PRIMARY ONES; FEAR, ANGER, SADNESS, HAPPINESS, AND LOVE, CAN WE BE GENEROUS WITH THE LAST ONE, LOVE. WHEN WE THINK OF PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS, OUR UNDERSTANDING EASILY MOVES TO THE IDEA THAT THE PARENT WILL GIVE TO THE CHILD, THE HOPE BEING THAT, IN SO DOING, AS THE PARENT AGES, IT WILL BE RETURNED. BUT, IN HETEROSEXUAL LOVE, BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN, THIS IS NOT ASSUMED; ONE MAY GIVE MORE TO THE OTHER.STILL, GIVING FOR THE PURE SAKE OF GIVING, IS THE MOST TREASURED, AS IN THE COMMANDMENT IN BOTH THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENT; 'LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF.' WHAT DOES GIVING/LOVE ACTUALLY DO? FOR ONE, IT ESTABLISHES A BOND; A SIMPLE SAYING OF 'I LIKE/LOVE BEING WITH YOU' MAKES YOU FEEL WANTED, RECOGNIZED, UNDERSTOOD, CARED ABOUT. IT ALSO SHOWS YOUR INTENTIONS; 'I WOULD SO WANT TO GIVE YOU THE BIRTHDAY GIFT YOU LONG FOR. JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS.' WE SAY THIS EASILY TO CHILDREN, BUT HOW OFTEN DO WE SAY THIS TO THE ADULT IN OUR LIFE? EVEN ANIMALS GIVE. IN OUR BOOK "JUNKFOODBEAR," HE LEARNS TO GIVE AFTER JUST FOCUSING ON HIMSELF AND HIS EATING, SPIRITUALLY SPEAKING, A WAY OF ELIMINATING HIS INNER EMPTINESS WHICH IS WHAT OVEREATING IS. LATER, HE LEARNS TO RESPOND TO OTHERS WHO REACH OUT TO HIM, FOR GIVING IS; BEING ABLE TO TAKE AS WELL. IT IS RECIPROCAL. WE ARE ALL BORN WITH THE ABILITIY, THE NEED TO LOVE. LOVE MEANS ATTACHMENT. WE DO NOT LIVE ALONE IN OUR WORLD. CHILDREN ABANDONED DIE WITHOUT A REPLACEMENT OF SOMEONE WHO CARES. ROMANTIC LOVE CARRIES WITHIN THE BASICS OF ATTACHMENT AND CAREGIVING: SEX. BOTH MEN AND WOMEN SEEK THIS,ITS DEGREE ESTABLISHED BY DIFFERING PERSONALITY STYLES, BUT A NECESSITY FOR BOTH. AND SO, GIVE FREELY OF YOURSELF. OUR BEAR DID AND SEE WHAT HE EARNED, IN RETURN; LOVE OF OTHERS, CARING, APPLAUSE. THEY'RE YOURS FOR THE GIVING.

EMOTIONS ARE YOUR SURVIVAL GIFTS

LIFE IS A TRAIN OF MOODS LIKE A STRING OF BEADS
RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Most of us label emotions: "happy, sad, angry, surprised." Part of our daily landscape, we throw them out casually, or with high intensity in our relationships with others. We also catagorize them into two polar extremes: positive or negative. For example, "joy" is seen as positive; "anger" as negative. When your four-year-old says: "Mommy, I hate you," you think "negative." When she/he says:"Mommy, I love you" your heart leaps and you think "positive." Yet, all emotions are now known to be adaptive, each has a reason-to-be. Adaptive, they each are there for one purpose: for you, for us, to survive. As such, they are all truly positive. For example,"anger," one of the so-called "negatives" can motivate you to work harder towards a goal- to get what you want. Likewise, fear may induce you to avoid something, someone, potentially dangerous. Even sadness plays a major role- tending to elicit support from others when you've experienced loss. Love, the most"positive" one widely heralded moves you to commitment/atachment. Children most naturally express this in their attachments: if parents were warm and available, they grow up to become adults who are more likely to initiate friendly, warm, interactions with others; the reverse is also true. Thus, all emotions were created in human beings as adaptive mechanisms to keep us alive, to serve a purpose and to help you fulfill whatever it is you were put here on earth to do. So, the next time you experience a "negative" emotion, listen to it- hear what it's trying to tell you- and do what needs to be done. It's there for a reason. It's there for the good of YOU.
Marcella Bakur Weiner, Ph.D.

(Note: I'll be grateful for your comments and happy to respond. And will do so as quickly as possible. Thank you. Plug in next week for another writing.)

RELATING TO YOUR FOOD

You and your food have a relationship. Yes. And, like all relationships, you can be caring, accepting, welcoming, empathic, or ignoring of "the other." Your body responds accordingly:"Well, if she/he doesn't care,why should I? I'm just doing my job, no more, no less, and just let each part do its thing. feeling that I'm not very important, nothing really special." You and only you can change that. How? You can have a relationship with your food, that substance that keeps you alive, gives you joy and something "to do" - like eating. How to start this "relationship?" First, caring is to eat slowly. Chew each morsel - (sit down for this one) 21 times. So say the experts. It's like being with a close friend and taking them in. That's what you're doing with that which blesses you to wake up each morning and get through the day. Treat it as the sacred "thing" it is. For it is. Welcome it with your heart. Embrace it for, you chose it, soon to be an essential part of you. Concentrate. To do so, taste each morsel without any distractions. Eating alone is the best way. If not, and you must be with others, listen to them but do not, do not, neglect that which is in your mouth and about to be swallowed. Take the journey with that one piece and follow it through - then the next,and on and on. Feel the taste- recognize it: is it sweet, sour, bitter, chewy, smooth? Give it credit for being what it is and that you have been blessed with a variety. Know that you have a balanced meal if each piece of food on your plate is of a different color- one green, one orange, one yellow- a rainbow. Now, you're eating healthy. More than that- you're aware. YOU AND YOUR FOOD ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. CONGRATULATIONS. HERE'S TO A HEALTHY, LONG LIFE. (And see my next blogs weekly. Thanks for listening. Dr. Marcella Bakur Weiner

Joint Venture

Theresa Kasun was sent to me and I have been enthralled. A brilliant illustrator, a delightful co-partner in my latest venture, Junkfood Bear. It has been a most exciting experience for me which I would like to share with you. Our book Junkfood Bear talks to obesity, one of the most pervasive problems in our society today. Between the two of us, in a most illuminating way we are showing people and families how they can help their children eat well. In so doing the family learns how to work as a more productive system. At the same time, eating healthy makes for a longer life without illness. This book and my co-authorship has taught me a great deal. We offer this to you as not only a learning experience but as family fun. Children will learn from it, but adults, working with them, will do the same. The family is, after all the root of our society. To make any changes we must begin with who we are, our own individual selves. We offer this book to you as a prelude to that very change, with joy and with warmth to all of you. We look forward to hearing from you and getting to know you. Here's to it!

Marcella Bakur Weiner, Ph.D.
www.junkfoodbear.com
www.lovepsychology.net
www.theresakasun.com

FAT

Do you overeat? Do you want to overeat? Do you think you can't make a change? Well, I have news for you: You can learn to eat balanced meals- enjoy it, look the way you want to look and none of this is imposssible. Quite the contrary: it's easy and CAN BE DONE. All you need is a willingness of heart - and voila, tomorrow you can look like you have always imagined and enjoy all you eat at the same time. The key is BALANCE. And it can be YOURS.

JUNKFOOD BEAR is a newly-published book by Theresa Kasun and myself, Dr. Marcella Bakur Weiner, and though it's for children aged 4-7, everyone can benefit.
Check our Web site: www.junkfoodbear.com. You'll love it.